| Big man: Ohh (sighing heavily about an overabundance of work on his desk). When will the aliens come and take me away? Me: You not getting probed enough lately? Big man: Probably not. … Maybe it will be a race of hot aliens that abduct me. That'd be all right. Me: The Heidi Klumians? Yeah, they rule. Let the probing begin! Big man: Still, I don't think I'm keeping my guns close enough at hand for when the aliens invade. Me: It won't matter anyway. Our puny, primitive powder-based firearms can't harm your typical Big Gray. They have like elephant skin or space-magic or something. What you need is a pulse rifle. Big man: How about one of those electric taser things I keep seeing at gun shows? Betcha that'd fuck 'em up. Me: You mean like a cattle prod? Big man: I guess. But I was thinking more like a hand held stun gun. Me: Hmmm. That has some very sound crack-pot logic to it. That must be why aliens keep mutilating cattle, turning their bodies inside out and such. They're trying to figure out how cows can be so resistant to giant electrical jolts. Big man: Yeah, definitely need to pick up a taser. Of course I'll have to use it on every person I meet, just to be sure they're not aliens. Including you. Me: That's always a good idea. But you know what's a sure-fire weapon against aliens? Balloons filled with human urine. You should start stockpiling them now so you'll be prepared for the coming invasion. Then, when they attack in June 2009, you could sell your stockpiles to the military and become a war profiteer. Big man: I'd have to put them in translucent balloons, so you could tell they were filled with urine. Me: Or you could just write URINE on the side of them with a Sharpie. Big man: Yeah. That'd work for sure. | 
